tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Randomize
