His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
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