when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
