I'm pants shitting drunk right now
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
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