I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
Drake has all the answers
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
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