but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Randomize
