You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Do you think they'll have a special part during the BET awards for Michael Jackson even though he turned white?
idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Randomize
