You're so nebulous sometimes
I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
