So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
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