i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
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