he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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