I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
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