When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
