so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
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