My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
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