What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
