The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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