when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
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