she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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