it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Randomize
