You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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