Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
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