Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Randomize
