Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
