i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
Randomize
