I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
