Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
Randomize
