Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
