I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
