My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Randomize
