Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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