it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
You ruined the universe
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Randomize
