cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
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