Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize
