Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
