Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Randomize
