My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
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