after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Randomize
