You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
