I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
Randomize
