If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
Randomize
