I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
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