I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Randomize
