I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
Randomize
