I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Randomize
