high people should be assigned attendants
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
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