I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
i believe in u and ur pee
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
