Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
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