dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
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