I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
Randomize
