1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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