The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
Text me some of your sweat
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
