i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
