True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize
