I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
