Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
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