wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
My bed is full of blood and feathers
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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