I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
