After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
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