where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
I pour the whiskey from now on
Randomize
