The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
I'm having to shit out rocks
Randomize
