She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
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I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
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Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
My glasses were in the garbage this morning