I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Randomize
