Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
The Internet Is Obsessed With This Stripper Who Dropped It Low Just To Eat A Slice Of Pizza
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
if it makes u feel better, i skipped class so i could go to a sex convention in jersey a few hours earlier than if i went to class.
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