i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
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He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
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We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
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