you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize
